The Barney Kaplan Jokes

Written 2013* 639 Words

By Howard Yasgar

Barney Kaplan is now 96 years old and he recently had a stroke.

Over the years Barney would call me up in the evening and tell me jokes.

On occasion Barney would come up with a good joke that is worth remembering.

There was an elderly gentleman in a nursing home. A young nurse appeared at his bedside.

The old man said” If I gave you $100.00 would you get in this bed with me.

The young nurse mulled over the situation and eventually got in bed with him.

When they were done, the old man said.” Had I known you were a virgin, I would

have offered to pay you $200.00.

The young nurse replied, “Had I thought you could so something, I would have taken

My “Panty Hose off”,

In a nursing home, an elderly lady was walking down the hallway, when she saw a sign on a door that said “Sex.”

She knocked on the door and was told to enter.

In the room was an elderly gentleman sitting on a bed.

“What’s with the sign “Sex” on the door the elderly women asked?

Its $20.00 on the bed, $10.00 on the chair and $5.00 on the floor the old man replied.

The women rummaged through her purse and handed the man a $20.00 bill.

The man seeing this said, “Come over here to the bed.”

The women said, I don’t want to use the “Bed?” I want to go 4 times on the floor.

During the great depression a salesman was hired by Mr. Shwartz, who was a shirt manufacturer in New York City.

The salesman was told to travel into the Mid-West to sell Shwartz’s shirts for $36.00 a dozen.

The $36.00 he was told by Shwartz was the bottom-line best price.

At the salesman’s first stop, the customer refused the shirts at $36.00 but he offered

The salesman $32.00 a dozen.

The salesman, unsure of what to do, called his boss Mr. Schwartz in New York.

“What should I do the salesman asked?”

“Take the order for $32.00 Mr. Schwartz said.” $32.00 is the very bottom-line price.

At the next stop, the salesman had the same problem. This time the customer was offered only $30.00 a dozen.

The salesman immediately called Mr. Schwartz in New York.

Mr. Shwartz said, “Take the order, $30.00 is actually the bottom line price.”

Every stop the salesman made, he had to call Schwartz in New York.

By the end of his sales trip, he received an offer of $9.00 a dozen.

He called Schwartz in New York and Schwartz said, “Take the order,

$9.00 a dozen is my bottom line on the shirts.

When the salesman got back to New York, he was about to enter the Schwartz

Manufacturing building, when a taxicab ran him over.

As he lay dying on the street in New York, a crowd gathered around him, and a man kneeled and said, “I’m a priest, is there anything you wish to say before I give you your last rites?”

Yes, the salesman said. “Please go up to the 10th floor and ask Mr. Schwartz what the bottom line is on a dozen shirts. I must know

.

Barney once told me what had happened at a high school night class for foreign students learning the English language.

The teacher told the class to make up a statement using sentences that used all the rules of grammar they had learned in class.

One student stood up and said, my uncle Henry says, “That if your eye falls on a bargain, pick it up.”

The teacher said, I’m sorry but that sentence is improper English. You should say,

My uncle Henry said that if I see a Bargain, I should buy it.

The student was perplexed.

He replied, “My uncle Henry has a glass eye.”

The Pickled Cows Tongue Story

1974

Told to Me by Barney Kaplan

Written 09/2012

By Howard Yasgar

This joke was told to me by my good friend Barney Kaplan who passed away in 1915 at 96 years of age.

Barny said that his father’s business was a concession in the Michigan wholesale food market where he sold various items including pickled cow tongues.

The cow’s tongues were kept marinating in a wooden barrel behind the sales counter.

A woman customer came in and asked for a pickled tongue.

Barney’s father reached into the barrel and found that he only had one tongue left.

He put the tongue on the scale and said it weighed 2-3/4 lbs.

The customer was disappointed, she asked if he had a larger pickled tongue.

Barney’s father removed the tongue from the scale and he put it back in the barrel.

He swished his hand around in the barrel and then removed the same tongue and he put it on the scale again.

But this time he put his finger gently on the back of the scale and he said you are lucky this tongue weighs more, its 3 lbs.

Good the customer said, I will take both.